Konnichiwa 30

I haven’t written anything in a while, and by a while I mean months. 

I’ve been in a writer’s drought. Or if you were a writer you would call it lazy.I thought it was just a pause, a flicker. And then it snowballed into full-on avoidance. 

If I was being honest, I was in pain. And I didn’t want to feel it again. 

When you write or go to therapy, it’s like breaking your own heart twice. Having to relive the same memory and stretch it out, all the emotions so chunky like Minestrone soup.

And then you’re left with all these pieces. These sharp, cut-your-fingers-when-you-try-to-remove-them pieces. And if you can’t touch them, you can’t glue them back together. 

All these broken parts of you, that you carry around, and softly trace in the darkness before sleep.

And your only choice is to let them cut you until time softens their edges, and then they become just another part of your textile, your skin.

So I kept busy and avoided myself.

But I’m back now. The frosty weather finally putting a stop to going out all the time, university stress, for a reason to drink and to not take care of myself. 

I’m trying to tie up all the loose ends I’ve been seeing and tripping over for months. Or you could say, I’m tired of seeing mess everywhere I looked.

It’s Winter in Sydney and I’m waiting for my quarter-life crisis to hit. 

However, I can’t help but think that judging by the last few months, it’s already happened. 

I got my first tattoo which is so stupid that when I tell my friends they don’t actually believe it exists.

I tried my first hard-core drug, I went to a dinosaur party, made 5 menswear and 4 womenswear garments, met and dated a blur of people and had my heart smashed by a guy who sleeps in navy satin pyjamas. 

And amongst all of that, I made ceramic pots, banoffee pie, made out with a gold-coast influencer, travelled to Bowral, the Blue-mountains and bought tickets to Japan.

Thus, I feel like surviving two Covid lock-downs inside have sped up the timeline and now when 25 hits, I’ll be mentally in my 30’s. 

My co-workers say 30 is the best. 

And I mean, what could be better than waking up a new age, with savings in my pocket and in a new country?

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