Internal Sunshine

“Is that… what I think it is… ON THE BACK OF MY DEER!!?”

” Yep.” The male textile teacher said, as we both peered at my rather unfortunate deer-print. It seemed to have grown a labia on one of the deer’s backs.

“Excellent.”

“And to think it’ll only get more crazy after you put it through the heat press, a few more times,” he says.

Today was the first day where I got up feeling good, satisfied even, despite it pouring outside. And then I blinked and the day finished.

I went to uni for 4 hours, started printing on fabric and then 3 hours passed. I stared at my phone, confused at how the time vanished so easily. Then back at my hands, stained in all the colours found in a Byron Bay t-shirt.

Next I disappeared for a quick food break, and then my phone rang and BAM- I came back to continue working and the studio had closed.

It felt like I was in a dream or the day was running faster than I could keep up.

Life at the moment was very spontaneous, in that every day was different. I didn’t plan anything, I was just always in motion. Always saying yes. Here, there, out for drinks, drinks at home, at work, at uni, ect.

It’s rare I would come home and find I couldn’t sleep. My mind was always exhausted; my focus divided again and again. Like a pomegranate, with all the seeds spilling out in all directions.

I don’t know quite what the magical ingredient was that coaxed me out of my rut- perhaps gaining 8 hours of sleep, not having Covid, getting into the rhythm of cleaning up my place every few days or perhaps pushing myself out of my comfort zone- socialising with everyone, all of the time.

I don’t think I realised that living alone meant you need to put in the work and socialise with people, more than when you just had flatmates. And as well as that, if your closest friend goes AWOL, you need to not only socialise but socialise with a vengeance. Because people need people, whether we care to admit it or not.

Socialising at this extreme had taught me that the minute you open yourself up and chat to people you don’t know, the more approachable you become. And the happier you looked.

I also don’t think I realised before that having a best-friend is great if you want to feel comfortable. Safe even, but it can very easily make you lazy and forget to try with others.

But by trying with absolutely everyone I felt closer to that sweet spot. And thus, worrying about people wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. No more second-guessing things I said or places I should have gone or things I should have done.

That low period was finally over.

And the internal sun was coming out.

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