“A copper crock-pot is… 1,437-fucking-dollars?
It was 11:06pm on a Wednesday night – hump night. And for those of us who have been at work all day and don’t feel like humping anyone, we default to internet shopping.
This activity was just as mentally exhausting as the latter, both involving a bed and the need for sound-proofing…
“$3-9-7 for a ‘calm’ candle?! Oh fuck off. ”
I slammed my computer shut as a cat flew from somewhere around the bottom of my duvet, like it was allergic to the hypocrisy of liking nice things you can’t afford.
“Sorry Meows.” I whispered.
I just don’t remember life being this expensive….
But then again, living in Sydney I bet everyone comes to this realisation at one point or another. And then, begins repeating it like a morning affirmation until you end upon moving to the country where your rent isn’t as expensive as a 20cm ‘calm’ candle….
I fell off to sleep with a sense of defeat in my heart as my hypothetical sales basket stayed empty, with scary visions of all my future homes looking like the inside of Target.
The morning of getting paid this week, I celebrated by pimping out all my pets with flee and heart-worm tablets which totalled a hefty -$200 but, left me feeling like the best fur-mum in the world.
However, on my way home from work, I ended up buying a violent fuchsia dress, making me the worst fur mum in the world.
The dress wowed me as it matched my new break-up wardrobe. Made up of mostly comfortable linen; the wardrobe would say that I’m chic, fashion-forward and don’t need a best-friend on account I’m too fabulous and self-sufficient to care.
You could say, this best-friend break-up week was going both great in some categories and terrible in others.
Like the perfect blended smokey-eye paired with the thickest, ugly eyeliner wing known to man. One wing would channel Amy Winehouse, the other, a sad Adele singing her divorce album.
Already I had kicked my loneliness ironically, moreso than before when I hypothetically still had a best-friend.
I was more social than I have been all of last year in the past 3 days. All my energy was going into putting more time into new connections and old ones left on COVID pause. Or maybe it wasn’t energy but rather fear, idk. But either way it worked.
I also seemed to adopt a new morning and night routine, which left me feeling light and peaceful. The morning was about feeding pets, coffee for the soul and meditation on this new app I found called Headspace.
It planned your first moments awake with breathing exercises, an inspirational video on something random and then lures you into a 20 minute morning meditation.
I also was hitting bed earlier due to my new night routine of watching Euphoria with a new friend. We would keep the other on phone FaceTime and offer comments of shock as the show somehow found new ways of getting more and more depressing.
Negatives of break-up week, included drinking every night and over-eating. My dessert cravings turned into a buffet of desserts one after the other with the excuse of- it’s been a hard week.
Another negative was being tangled up in this complex magnitude of emotion. Whenever I thought of my old best-friend I would feel angry, then sad and then rejected and then angry again. And ruminate or salsa from one to the other, throughout most of the day.
My mind would plait darker ideas into my head one at a time, about how she was always so indecisive with cutting friends out of her life, but with me there was a tone of certainty in her voice.
How somehow I just didn’t see it coming.
How angry I was she couldn’t just talk to me about things that had upset her, but found it easier to assassinate my character and then our three-year friendship, in one sitting.
But one thing I would definitely miss was the unique, chaotic, honest relationship we had manifested for years with her fun, fuck-it nature.
I loved how despite her not being the most loud or confident person in the room, she had a heart of gold and was this tornado of chaotic, light energy. She was willing to be messy, thrifty, vegan and wonderful.
And she encouraged me to do the same.
So maybe she could still be a queen, a good person, a good friend, a bit of a user, a shit friend, dependent on her relationship and a wonderful person and still not want to be my friend. And maybe that was okay.
I remember hearing somewhere that when life changes something, or something bad happens we should ask life why it did that. Instead of odeeing on self-pity and the sudden feeling of loss, we should instead ask ourselves, ‘What was the lesson here?’
For whatever reason, 2022 was already a massive shuffle in regards to workplace, where I lived, who my friends were and what pets I would have. And that was scary but also, maybe it was needed.
Have you ever felt that maybe, some places you end up in life, all the old magic felt used up? Like you need to not just peep out a window but see the house burn down to nothing in order to finally leave it?