Loneliness is a state of mind. A place that lives inside all of us.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I had to double check my address as I think between trying to find a new place, my best-friend distancing herself and being let go of from 2 jobs in the space of a month I was feeling kind of …
Well lonely. There- I said it. That ugly, taboo word that humanity seems totally repulsed by.
Lonely. I had no problem saying it anymore, as it seemed to be the key word that gushed out of my mouth most days. I would Spotify it for podcasts, read about it on redit, talk to my dad about it at night and even dissect it over the phone to my new councillor.
I hated being lonely. It seems kind of more unpopular than depression or even being an introvert in your early 20’s.
And that’s not to say I didn’t have people. No- my loneliness was the entitled version where I had people to call or see.
But I felt like I was instead on an island by myself, where no conversation or friend was enough to satisfy my need to be understood.
Like every minute I was alone, someone else was out with other people laughing and enjoying themselves. I felt left out of something I didn’t even know if it was happening, which is pretty irrational- or maybe it wasn’t.
Maybe it had something to do with losing a close friend recently, who told me she wanted to make new connections rather than continue our friendship.
And she was someone who I thought understood me completely, and vice versa.
I recently listened to a monk’s podcast that said, that loneliness wasn’t just physical distance or mental access to people, it was also about feeling distanced from yourself.
And I guess- that’s also how I felt.
Of late, time spent with myself always felt rather bleak, like time never went fast enough. Perhaps it had something to do with uni holidays being extended and all sports having not started up again. No deadlines, distractions, dating or stress. Just time to think and be.
Idk when it happened, but I think I must have grown lazy reaching out to people; too comfortable having just one person to tell everything to.
Who knew losing a best-friend could feel as devastating as a break-up.
I think, my days were so busy I just kind of relying on the same easy interactions and tiredness as an excuse, rather than actually trying with new people or even old connections.
I had the terrible habit of when a friendship would feel a little loose fitting, I would feel rather hurt and instead of trying harder or saying something to let them know how I was feeling- I would instead read it as rejection and just let it go.
Maybe I had a hard time trusting people or feeling 100% seen and that’s why one best-friend felt comfortable. Better than a whole group of people I kind of knew but also didn’t.
I read an article that said, as adults we must be act like kindergarten kids and be unrelenting in our approach to making new friends. We must put our egos and the past aside and try.
Idk if acceptance of feeling lonely or a little down when we lose a close friend helps, but it did make me feel lighter today and a little more optimistic in my moves going forward.
And really it’s up to you whether you choose to explore what’s on the other side of new/old doors or whether you stare out and wallow at the lack of people or light in your life.
It’s okay to feel defeated but then we must get up and try again.