Sometimes we all feel a bit sticky. A constant fight between emotions, energy and our brains.
When having a spontaneous night out, leads to you feeling rather sore the following day when you realise you’re $100 lighter…
When you meet someone and find that spark, only for them to want you when it’s ‘convenient’…
When you decide to take fitness seriously only to realise you barely go to the gym now because it’s so exhausting and terrible…
Life; it’s all a bit hard sometimes. Pretending, being polite, ignoring our tiredness. It’s especially hard choosing what to do next, when you feel at a loss either way.
Last night I put into play my new dating mentality.
2 dates, 1 night.
A drink before and five during.
It wasn’t a solid plan but I felt I had a 1/4 chance of someone saying something interesting. And that’s why the average person dates, right? For someone to say something that’s utterly intoxicating, and in turn become something utterly intoxicating.
I had a 50/50 chance of it being (post-drinks) me or perhaps taking my bag after 15 minutes of dry conversation and saying you’re lovely but not for me; something I have never had the guts to do.
Now before you call me shallow, I need to explain.
Dating in the past has always been about quality over quantity. I didn’t date often but when I did I either lost myself in a hot and heavy fling or I just didn’t feel anything. After it was over, I was often left feeling disappointed.
I found that the person opposite me at the table was often likeable and ticked a handful of boxes. However, I let my emotions direct where I go, throughout my day and with my work. So for me, to turn up for a second date I needed something to knock me off my seat.
One guy came an hour too early and thought I stood him up, so he decided to take it as a sign and stand me up. Like a prick-pass-the-parcel.
The next made me dash around Sydney, where I ended up having the best night bumping into old friends, a middle-aged man in a lobster suit and left me feeling like I had turned a page on the usual part I play.
I felt sexy, despite my body not visiting the gym more than twice that week. My healthy-eating also had faltered and my feelings a little loose as I was still keeping tabs on someone I was trying to let go of.
The date ended at 3am, with a 30 minute Taxi-ride by myself. After a night of making-out, hand-holding and feeling wanted in every way, I couldn’t help feeling something else. The loss… even in the face of winning.
I spent the next half-hour wondering what it would have felt like, if the person I went out with that night was someone else. The one I could still have but would treat me like a bedroom sex-toy, seasoned with feelings.
Arriving home, I leave the Taxi as my old-self. Someone who felt despondent about love. About finding one person who could hold my heart in their hands and not accidentally crush it, pick it up to put it down or place it on a shelf next to the others they collect. Someone who doesn’t play games. Someone who is accessible from the start.
I had it once, so I know it exists. But I also know that over the past few years, I’ve met so many people and faces when I’ve been looking and not looking. And the story ends almost the same. Wrong person, right time. Right time, wrong person. Or my last try, wrong person and wrong time.
However, I was figuring out a new way to be; trying out the Ways of the Roster.
Where dating is sexy, fun and satisfying. Not disappointing, damaging and takes 2-3 months of recovery. Hopeless-romantics, take notes!
Rostering means that letting people go is quick and easy due to a lack of expectation i.e. the WHAT IF that taints most of us into keeping people around whom are simply ‘nice’.
Due to the cut off rate being high, I also noticed that I picked really decent people. People I was physically and mentally attracted to.
The downside of this dating style means the more people you date, the more validation you need to dish out. Perhaps it’s because you’re more inaccessible now so they seem to want you and your unique stamp of approval with their morning coffees… almost everyday.
Now for some of us, feeling in high-demand can be invigorating. And it was, until I found myself hiding from my phone or switching it onto aeroplane mode.
I also noticed that rosters make you date ‘like a man’ (stereotypically speaking ofcourse) or with your logical mind. Meaning, you place your heart on the highest shelf and only bring it down when you feel it’s deserved. Effective? Definitely. But not as beneficial as you may think…
I also found that not wearing my heart on my sleeve meant it was often really hard to read. I found I didn’t really know if I liked someone or if it is simply fun, easy and just part of the floor-plan of rostering.
Then comes the question of why you roster and if sex and intimacy are included; if you tell people involved and how genuine you are.
I think transparency here separates the assholes from those of us that want to date and meet a variety of people, versus those who just want to screw people in more ways than one.
In today’s ‘Game of Phones’ world, Tinder, Hinge, bread-crumbing and orbiting make it easy to forget the fact that we all have a heart. And this means it’s also up to us if we choose self-preservation, adaption or to be eaten.
With the spark not yet confirmed and a question mark above everyone’s heads, for me having a roster makes it easy to be excited about dating, and not feel so sticky about love or what comes in its place.