Who Am I 2019

A new year has finally come and the dance that was 2018 is very much over.

And here we all are-  25 days in and slowly edging closer. Ready to try again.

Despite not completing the same rituals as the last few years, I’m somehow feeling more optimistic then worrisome about how the next 11 months will pan out.

Usually, when the end of each year arrives I start by placing the contents of my bedside-table/year long treasure-chest into a box, to sit at the top of my closet. Sentimentality~ (noun) a curse gifted by the mother… so of course my closet looks like a less-frillier version of 27 Dresses except, in box form.

Fast forward to the final NYE count-down; I always feel like a mother on a delivery table, moments from giving birth. Yet, all I can think of is if my baby/year will come out a serial killer or end up blowing up a church….

Another ritual you too perform, is naturally with your best-friend/partner, in which case you both try and greet the new year drunk and half-praying the next few months don’t bleed you both dry of what little childish optimism you have left. At 21, the disillusionment is real.

The most recent New Year’s Eve was the first I hadn’t spent at home or even in the same hemisphere as my such person. I was too busy being off-my face, straddling a 19 year old in some nightclub in Prague, as he gifted me with endless pink splotches- a reminder I just made out with a child come tomorrow.

She too was very busy with a 19 year old of her own, however, instead of messily kissing everywhere they were arguing and storming out…. what one does with 19 year old boys when your 21 is I guess, each to their own.

Surprisingly, waking up the next day I didn’t feel one pinch of guilt not repeating the same rituals we usually do each year.

Albert Einstein defined Insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. “

With that being said, I think I may have been insane for the last few years.

I realised that those same rituals really involved getting nostalgic about years that were filled with so many different kinds of slaps, sponsored by adulthood. None of which were becoming nor beautiful.

Learning that life was really a game of delayed gratification, going on autopilot, understanding that cooking was now a need if you enjoy money in your account, cars were like babies (endless money grabs) and people were inherently selfish at their core. And, if you ever curious to see just how selfish, accidentally or on purpose start liking them. And then there were always more fake friends you could collect.

Interestingly enough, I’ve also learned that you can take productive steps in become an adult but you can’t ever re-become a child. So at 21, I am in no hurry.

However something good that did come from the last 3 years of adulting, was that I have come to know a little more about who I am and what sticks/ what just sucks.

  • At 21, my time-management is still awful and working on it just stresses me out.
  •  I am messy in a creative way. I miss/always book the wrong flight, twice this year ($1,800 down).
  • I think I have sorta, kinda figured out men and I don’t like what I’ve found ( months of working in a male-dominated pub with full access to hearing really takes the mystery out of everything once considered romantic. )
  • My hair consumes the most money I have/don’t have.
  • I am airy at the best of times and need coffee in order to switch on lights.
  • Cooking is a race against time to feed yourself and not burn things before your hunger turns you into a crazy binger.
  • I have a strong feeling this year will be various montages of bucket-hats and hoops, and yes, I’m actually really excited about that.

ANYWAY the point is, is that 2019 is the first year I simply started without thinking or worrying too much about.

Like this one change to the end/beginning has now filled me up with new energy to fuck this year up in a good way. I’m not afraid to make a mess and I refuse to tip-toe around my goals or things that will ‘come in due time’ just because my age rules me inexperienced in every category of life.

2019 just happened, whether you or I was ready for it so why not also make this the theme of the year.

Bon Appetit!


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