- 1 X litre of tequila spread across a week
- 3 x series of Sex and the City
- 1 x IPhone with no text messages from said person
- 1 x bed/couch to hide from the world
- 1-2 x dog for cuddles.
If you have recently indulged in any of the above, then you too have probably felt the same way I have.
The cause: learning something new about someone from your past. Someone unique. Someone, who if you tried to erase them from your memory you would be cutting out a piece of yourself.
See, I thought enough time had passed that I no longer saved a seat for those people, in my head or my heart.
I had felt enough and reassured myself way too much that waiting for closure to swoop in and take all the pain away was no longer a reality.
I enjoyed imagining the past politely seeing itself out of my head, rather than the occasional reenactment of a whirlwind romance between a rockstar and an expensive hotel room. No, all of that was behind me–well, that was until this happened.
Suddenly my thoughts kept running like they were on a treadmill of their own. Unravelling more and more questions.
Was the pain always there, sitting dormant and suppressed all this time?
Is it because my ego is hurt?
But perhaps a better question to ask was where does the old versions of ‘us’ go when time moves us along; when we feel that shift from pain or people, that helped change us into someone new.
Because it’s not just them who have changed, it’s us as well.
Perhaps, the old ‘us’ is fed into a recycling press. Then flattened or juiced, so the pain can dissipate and filter down into our bodies. Thus the creation of ‘lessons’.
Over weeks and years we learn to swallow our experiences. Sometimes for them to return for a second taste. To then be digested into chewed pain, in the hopes of hardening or enriching our inside walls.
To softening parts of ourselves we are yet to find or to embed triggers of pain, that have the strength to change the conversation instantly.
Now I know this is all pretty blasé but this narrative brought me some hope. After re-reading my above list a few too many times, I realised only now that they all were symptoms of grief. And not even tangible loss but self-induced. Friend, partner, dog or parent- it’s crazy how the most human part of us can unleash the most damage.
So I found a different diet to follow, one that doesn’t involve endless questions for people who will never answer them. One that can hopefully help you too find closure, from somewhere more accessible.
NOTE: Think of the following like an advent calendar of progress, just in time for the festive season.
Or… if your feeling particularly hungry/ambitious, go to your closest coffee shop and inhale all truth-cakes (along with the steps below of course!)
BEGIN (AGAIN) HERE:
Truth-cake #1. Flavour: Deep Red-velvet.
Learn not to think about the past as it’s not where you’re headed.
People don’t drive in reverse otherwise they crash, injure others or get arrested (and ain’t nobody got time for that).
Think about this: why is it as humans we try and self-diagnosis why we feel the way we do all the time? Yet we forget that the human condition is so complex with moods constantly in flux and embedded issues all dancing inside of us. (Thus, the reason why psychologists can only legally get paid after studying the mind for six years at uni!)
Sometimes we need help to pull things out of our heads and put them to bed.
So—— cut yourself a break!
Truth-cake #2: Chewy Carrot— YUMMMM
Sometimes, the old ‘us’ can jump back into the passengers’ seat but our past isn’t who we are now.
Like a $3.50 side of smashed avocado to our bacon and eggs. The avocado on the plate is very inessential. Eating a side-plate on its own is sad and unfulfilling, so why think with the past as the only measure of self-worth?
Start seeing the big picture for all that it is!
Truth-cake #3: Overbearingly Chocolate-mud
The old version of ‘us’ was a blinded version that was never meant to survive, which is why they were replaced in a Darwinism-like trade off.
With evolution in mind, the old ‘us’ couldn’t make it through the pain. They weren’t equipped with all the goodies hindsight gift us with.
When you honestly think about it, the new ‘us’ can accept things better, is more resilient and understanding. And they/you can see all the great things that have grown from flipping the switch and taking today’s ‘us’ out for a walk.
Truth-cake #4: Refreshing Vanilla Sponge
We all can’t afford to grow in unison, otherwise so many more marriages would still be intact.
You are in charge of giving yourself the best go, and yes sometimes life will come in with a big gust of F-YOU wind, but there will always be a time (sooner or later) when you can begin again.
Like in the natural world, things die and then replenish after a period of loss and hibernation. However, people adapt and reinvent themselves in different ways, sometimes more beautiful and sometimes not so much.
It is a known fact that we may know someone for a lifetime and never be entirely sure about what dresses their insides.
What we can be sure about is how we view ourselves and what thoughts we choose to consume.
So choose wisely,
as both are very much
the same thing.