Tonight was apart of a series of walks I take to let myself forget myself, even just for a minute.
And of course, to get my dog out of the house.
Together, her and I walk alone. Our company being pulled by memories that place brings to life, when shared with others.
To her I can imagine she remembers the boldness and safety she felt walking alongside her mate. My late dog Rosie, whom she had been tied to (literally) on a decade filled with walks. Without Rosie to lead, she had to trust herself. She was no longer being pulled along or protected. Suddenly, she seemed unsure about the same walk we had taken way too many times.
Now, the freedom wasn’t an illusion or a fantasy.
Now, it surrounded her.
I heard this saying once which pings often in my mind:
“ unless you lose what you know, you will never meet or understand all the parts of youself.”
Like my dog, I too felt these pings. Cravings for a hand I once held. For the voice of someone who I too could not resurrect. They are as good as dead. And I constantly find myself having to repeat this mantra over and over. To constantly break and re-break the cycle of hope that replenishes itself on these walks. Or whenever I see his old Honda Jazz. Or any Honda Jazz. When I see the word ‘Redfern’.
It’s like a part of me stands very still inside. And then the avalanche of feelings and left over words scatters frantically. Like, “Oh my god, her mind knows what we have been trying to bury! Quick scatter before it’s too late!”
Only, ( as cliche as it sounds ) my heart can’t let it go. It’s my only self-diagnosis that seems to make sense.
I am a walking, breathing testimony that even if you leave a relationship your heart will not go willingly. Like a stubborn child at a amusement park.
“Sweetie, the nice man is closing the gates. You see they too have to go home to their nice beds and loving families.”
But no. Your child; aka your heart won’t move on. Or it will move, only to stay stuck in the parking lot. No, now it’s arms are stuck around that NO PARKING sign like a stripper who forgot to grease their pole.
It’s a slow, messy, time-wasting occupation. No wonder others decide to run to the nearest pedestrian in order to hitch a ride in their shiny new Mercedes; otherwise known as the slutty rebound. But then again, that C-class is usually a false-start which lands that cheater right back in that car-park, however this time they have two failures to account for. And of course, double the time wasted.
Everyday is a game of self-manipulation. Self-rewiring. A few hopeful hours of self-love followed by more outweighing hours of raining anguish.
But everyday I do feel a little better. Maybe not about him, but the scenarios of us happening to see each other again becoming more bleak. More bland and more kick-assingly-epic on my end. Everyday I channel all the free space created by infinite friend pick-me-ups, dates that made me feel like the ultimate catch and yoga into that positive, overly-curious, flirty girl who has been slowly sat on over the last two years.
I sometimes find her trying to leak out and stake her optimistic, proud claim over my mind. Those days are the best. My head and heart sing loudly and un-apologetically.
Then I think of my replacement. I think of her hand cupped in his and I think of the time I saw her leaving his place. Her on my old side of the bed. The side I was keeping warm all of three months ago as he woke up smiling, his dimples outlined by a pre-mature sun.
And then that strong beautiful girl vanishes and it’s just me left. The one alone outside his house when I came to bring him his birthday card or egg his house, but couldn’t.
Me, back in that carpark, refusing to leave something that has already ended.
So what is next? Where is the way out of said looped torture maze? No amount of google searches have ever gifted me with a satisfying answer.
I dare you, search this:
“What is the craziest or most creative (and non-violent) way in which you have gotten back at an ex- for wronging you?”
Man did I cry with laughter!! Ignore that one case who got back with him years later, but it was astounding how many sane people let the insanity that is heart-break drive them into dexter-genius scenarios!
Odd unexpected remedies like this have made all the difference. Dating to restore your faith in humanity and to feel attractive also works, even if your are emotionally crippled. Doing all the things you never had time for, but put on all of your new years resolutions.
NOW IS THE TIME!!
Now is my and your time. So don’t waste it! You never know when that next ‘right’ person will flop into your life and steal your time, money and cyclical heart (again)!
SO be bold! And in the case of being bold, you will probably attract other BOLD people who also are taking a chance and coming out of their slump/shells.
Being single is really about being you most emotionally stable. Yes it’s lonely sometimes, but that’s the ONLY negative!
Couples get one day a year to be forced to express love, when really it’s a couples competition and bragging match between friends. Welcome to obligatory roses, Fifty Shades of Grey 2 and measuring your value as half a person!
In a relationship you also get more feelings of suffocation, frustration and irritability over a person who claims to love you but really is quite petty and unagreeable the further into the relationship you two venture.
SO why date? Because your career doesn’t get your body pumping the way they do! They are a sickly sweet cocktail that quenches both your emotional and physical sides. That high cannot be imitated or ripped off by friends or one-night stands. A Youtube answer to the affliction highlights the conflict that “despite our status, none of us know how to be happy regardless of our relationship status. “
So just feeling great with yourself in or out of a relationship could just be the magic ticket to happiness.
” Once we have taken the time to be introspective and become comfortable with ourselves for company, we are never again, truly alone. ”
Me and my dog are both working and walking on this one, one night at a time.