Beyond-Curious

Every morning, I start my day in the park.

I love how the sun drenches you in that warm, golden glow. A reward for those who don’t lay in bed and who are usually accompanied by a 4-legged friend and a cup of coffee. 

My body now wakes up around 6 a.m., an hour before the alarm. I don’t know why—I never fall asleep early.

I’ve also noticed that I no longer want a glass or two of gin. The first sip tastes like a headache so I have replaced it with tea instead. 

One cup when I wake up, another cup with my co-worker before we leave work and a few more before bed. It’s almost like my diet was trying to turn me British before I arrived there, in June. 

Of late, all my usual habits seemed to no longer breed comfort.

I didn’t want this break-up to change me, on account, I wasn’t at fault, however, I could feel it happening, hear it-

” Have you lost weight? I can see it in your face,” my co-worker had asked me that morning.  

“ I’ve been Gua Shaing”- I joked.  She was right; I was now one size less of myself. 

It had been months since I bothered with makeup for work, and for some reason, I wanted to try today.

“ Well, you look good,” she said and I smiled.

March 2024 had been one of the worst months of my life. 

I was subscribed to a strong diet of avoidance: music, weed, podcasts, writing, Netflix, dating, drinks, friends, gourmet ice cream…

Anger took on the role of a new lover, shaking me awake in the mornings and keeping me up late at night. In its brief absence, sadness made a home in my head, blocking up all the plumbing in my eyes. 

I also started visiting the gym like it was going out of business. However, the worst part by far, was the self-hatred that showed.

Only after a long day, when I was tired enough, would my mind plague me with questions about them. Sometimes, there were even visuals of him and her together.

Do you think they cuddled after … if he had repeated the same things he had told me, to her… had he slept over… did he make the first move… did he kiss her goodbye…I bet the sex was more wild than yours…  did he promise her a whole relationship, because he thought you would dump him the following day…

Many a night, I would lay awake wondering who he was, how someone so kind, genuine, and honest could become so scary, so careless.

I wondered why these traits didn’t align with the person I had loved for the past nine months, or maybe they did and I was just stupid for believing the best in people. 

However, a positive outcome of having my heart cracked open was once my emotions cooled off, everything was brought into razor-sharp focus. 

I decided I would feel all the pain and disappointment I had ignored for years because it was so big that I didn’t know what to do with it.

 

I cried for every time I wished things were different-  that people were different. 

I cried every time I felt abandoned by friends or partners.

I cried for feeling like a doormat.

I cried that I never learned how to have self-esteem or self-regulate.

I cried that I carried other people’s opinions of me in higher regard than my own.

I cried that it felt familiar to chase avoidant men, who could not feel and express love in the ways I could.

I cried because I felt lonely whenever I was alone and always wondered what was wrong with me.

I cried that I let my abandonment issues dictate how I behaved with others. 

I cried that I didn’t say anything when my last partner made comments, about my personality/my body.

I cried for every time I tried to make my parents understand me so that we could be closer- and it always failed. 

I cried for trying too hard to be loved.

And then I couldn’t cry anymore-  I was too dehydrated. 

So I started walking instead.

And with every morning walk, I felt lighter. 

With every podcast, I felt less lonely and more tapped into what I was interested in.

And with every meditation, I felt like I was in a warm bath. I could float for the rest of the day, with all the mess not on top of me. 

I’ve started to think that pain is rather humbling. It reminds us of who we are, and letting it out makes room for us to move forward. 

Pain shows us where it hurts, and if we listen and change, then we can start to become who we want to be.