Maybe everyone has that one person, or even two who give them something no one else can.

Someone free, that being with them makes you feel free, like a holiday from yourself.

For me, this person was a 6 foot 2, greek boy from Hunter’s Hill. His Yaya Anastasia, made the best biscuits –

“ Hey… could you leave me some?” He asked.

“ Shit sorry- I think the Aperol is drowning my brain. “ 

“ Forgive me?” I asked, grabbing his hand and resting it on my heart. 

He chuckles- “ Fiiine. I mean she does bake them like she’s going out of business.”

I met Ryan when I was 21. 

We were now in our late 20’s and for some reason we’ve always floated back into each other’s spheres- which was odd as we share no mutual friends/activities. 

However, our dads do the same job, we both have brothers, we’re almost the same age and have mothers who enjoy collecting crystals and being sentimental.

For most guys in their early 20’s, terms like ‘exclusive’ and ‘commitment’ were all but stuck in the installation. However what set him apart from other fuck-boys was he was Polyamorous.

On our first date he said Hi, and straight after that he had a girlfriend of multiple years and they both enjoyed meeting and dating new people. 

I remember thinking I should finish our conversation and leave but I was 21. I didn’t know how to leave dates, and besides I didn’t really want to.

Ryan was the most hilarious, interesting conversation I had had in ages. We got on so well that we ended up spending the whole night laughing and drinking like we were each other’s favourite new drug.

Ryan was the first boy where I felt like my looks weren’t the reason he was sitting opposite me. And I knew he liked the thing I liked most about myself; my mind. 

Of course, with a few more cocktails we liked more than that which is where our deep conversations became troublesome. 

“He either likes you or he’s playing you. That’s reality,” said my lawyer friend, over Pad-see-ew. 

“ Oh god Kevin- stop being so black and white. Perhaps, I’m just more of a romantic than you.”

“ No, you just like being used,” he said.

” There’s nothing romantic about that.”

On a late Tuesday night, I laid down on the floor. The soft words of the Lumineers stuck to the walls, as the fairy lights bounce dim gold flecks on and off, like fireflies.

“ Don’t you think we would have been best-friends in high-school, if we had met?” I asked Ryan after 3 Aperol Spritzes.

“Probably- but I’m glad we’re those people today and not then,” he answers.

” Also-“ he says, as he lays down next to me.

“- just to premise, this is not for romantic effect. This is purely because I’m jealous you did this before I could.”

I laugh- “Sure.” 

I greet the lyrics like old friends as they massage my heart in ways I don’t allow anymore. of course Ryan listens to these songs…

” I love this.. “

He looks at me.

 ”Indie rock, you mean? “

” No- you.” I lightly push his cheek away. 

“Of course indie rock.“ 

 He cackles. 

“… Polygamous idiot.” 

“You mean polyamorous.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

…

“I think I’m more jaded now, than when we first met…”  he says, after some more time has passed. 

“Really? You don’t seem it.”

“ I just don’t show it I guess. But I feel it,” he looks at me with those chocolate brown eyes still as soft and kind as the day I met him.

And then we both look back up at the ceiling.

…

“What made you like the last guy so much?” He asks after some time. 

” Um… I think it was because he felt so safe. Maybe it was his age…

But I felt like I could say or do anything and he would match me. And then it all fell apart… “ I sighed. 

“Aren’t men such trash?” He says with a cheesy grin.

“Abso-fucking-lutely”. 

“Is that from -“

“- yeah it is.” We both giggle . 

… 

“Idk… I can’t help but think when I’m 50, I’ll be all alone,” he says.

“You? Alone? Never.” 

“You are the most person-friendly-person I have ever met. Like a Labrador.. with curls!” He laughs as I pull one and it springs back to its nest.

“ Well only you think that.. part of the reason I left my girlfriend was because I felt like she was the main attraction and I was just in the background.” 

It’s funny, with Ryan, I never felt enough. I felt seen but never like I had access to his heart. 

And I think in that moment, I realised, for Ryan no one would ever be enough. 

I didn’t know if this would be forever thing- or if this was a kink that a physiologist would have to iron out. But it was sad to hear that a part of him believed that.

“I think we’re the same,” he says, turning to facing me.

“One person won’t be enough for you, either. You’ll get bored,” he tells me, with a mix of a sad yet serious look.

“ I don’t know… call me crazy, but I think it’s kind of special to have exclusive rights to a world, with just one other person. “ 

I remember hearing it and thinking it didn’t sound like me at all. It sounded like 16 year-old-me, whose boyfriend hadn’t hit her yet.

Someone who didn’t see her dad hide in his own home so he could stay married; who hadn’t heard her mother cry about how lonely she was.

“ Yeah I get that,” he says.

“ No you don’t.”  We laugh.

 

He tucks some more of my bangs out of my face, before asking me if he could cut this one piece of hair that was annoying him.

“ You cut that and all your curls go too,” I warn him.

“ Well fuck it- at least they’ll all be together.” We laugh some more. 

“ Besides, mine will grow back faster than yours.” He adds, and smiles wider in victory.

It’s weird how well you can know someone even if you only see each other every few months.

I guess, some people may always feel familiar and that’s why you need to keep them away, otherwise you won’t be able to let them go.

Like a divorced couple who shares the same kids…

A few more Aperols later and my fingers were all tangled up in his greek curls.

“I didn’t expect the night to go like this-” 

“Yeah me neither,” he giggles-  

“But it always kind of ends like this though, doesn’t it..”

“ For me it was the conversation,” he says.

“ Oh really- for me it was the fairy lights and Aperol.“

He pokes me and I squeal.

We lay there some more, as he traces my hand. 

“ I don’t do casual sex anymore.” 

“Anastasia would be proud.” 

He chuckles.

“Yeah, it makes me feel kinda gross. I prefer hang-outs and if it goes there then great but if it doesn’t,  also great. Seeing what happens with people and not assuming or expecting … I think that’s when people are their most honest and interesting.” 

Ryan ended up leaving his jewellery – not on purpose- his Adhd-mind is too chaotic to be that calibrating. 

I place the rings on each of my fingers with not one fitting.

On the final ring, I can’t help but smile as I see my birthstone- Tiger’s eye. 

The last time we saw each other my birthstone was sitting on a draw and he picked it up. He said he likes it whereas I said I thought it was ugly.

“ Goodbye Ryan.”I said, both of us now standing on either sides of the road. 

We were so used to saying goodbye, you would think we would be better at it by now.

“If you ever want to talk, not even see me- just call me okay. I’ll pick up. “ 

I smile.

“ See you in another life.”

I remember walking home and feeling kind of at peace. It felt like I didn’t just saying goodbye to Ryan, but to a version of myself. 

Someone who went for guys who wanted access to my body or in Ryan’s case my mind, but not access to my hand, my heart.

It felt somewhat disrespectful, letting guys use parts of me – like I wasn’t a full person; instead you could pick and choose what you wanted from my menu…

Ryan would always be different though- somewhat special. He always communicated with me, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. And he respected me enough to make my own choices, regardless of how he felt.  

And that meant something, even if we were never anything.

Of all the loss and hard lessons and euphoria of my early 20’s, Ryan was definitely a gift.

And I hope when he wears that ring, he feels the same about me.