Tap, Tap, Tap- Guess Who’s Back

Truth: I Happn to be receiving more enjoyment out of Tap, Tap, Fish then Plenty of Fish as it makes me want to comfort eat 10 Coffee(s) and Bagels, instead of you know- date someone from any of said apps.

Bumble or Zoosk– you are the forgotten kids I never had. Go feed yourself at the neighbour’s house. They like you more than me.

Yes, we are back here again.

Yes, I already confessed my site-sins to my bestie.

Yes, my change of heart did trigger a double-jeopardy act as she too is now actively looking.

No, I don’t want to talk about it.

The struggle street that is online dating is the only reason why I could think anyone would venture back into a relationship. That and you happen to stumble across a writer who somehow has time in-between philosophical ponderings to knock out a session of cross-fit, complete with free-range and flowing Byron Bay hair. He must also come with his own group of mature like-minded individuals for the gals and only be accepted if he is wrapped up appropriately, in a second-hand bomber jacket. And universe, due to your hospitality in registering this request, I will not order a side of fries or that extra cocktail at the end of the night. Amen.

The old stereotype surrounding divorsee parents searching for their online truelove, headlined with awkward pictures of themselves ten years younger is all but yesterday’s news. Today it’s a known fact parents and children alike can be active upon the same sites without any idea of the others’ existence. You could say dating online can also be interpreted as the new single’s sport. The Tinderellas’ of today fiercely agree, claiming that both go hand in hand or perhaps more accurately for the rest of humanity –  swipe in, block byeeee. Otherwise known as the ideal Tuesday night.

I always love when co-wokers or people with partners ask why we singles bother, as “it will happen regardless of your online presence, when you least expect it…”

Can I just offer a suggestion of “fuck that” courtesy of every person cycling the singles circuit. That line is taken as well as a single person offering this pearl of wisdom in return:

” Your so right! Your divorce will happen when you least expect it, too. ”

Said married person’s squark of awkwardness doesn’t stop you there. No, you are a stream-train chuffing full speed ahead with:

-“But hey, sleep easy. Whatever your good intensions or large pile of bandaid money spent on therapy, divorce ( and the following irreplaceable years of sorrow ) will always seek you out regardless.”

Now married person, try and lecture us about why being single is so easy.

See in bars, it can be so much harder. Walking over to people, we don’t know their status or how approachable they are. They could ruin the night or worst, be bland as a week-old Sayo. So instead you sit there, waiting for nothing to happen. Best case, you either pluck up all your courage and march yourself over to that one table or the loudest, most confident person in the room comes over. But you never really want them, you just want someone, anyone to say they noticed you.

Dating specialists have said that this person ( most commonly ) is usually the worst catch of the night as their confidence dazzles a few too many.

Reading between the lines, the dating expert-community dub him the ‘Death-con of Dating Dreams’. The Hilary of Transparency.

On the online flip-side, dating websites are an easy ego-boost or flirting lesson. They can enable convo, sex or neither. It can help people take baby steps to move past crippling break-ups and gain understanding that not everyone hates them  ( unlike their last catch ). These apps can also be a way introverts and those sitting in the disillusioned pile of singleton can also feel comfortable being on the hunt, whilst still tucked up in bed. Some even use it as a pair of benoculers to look over that relationship fence after four years of the same routine.

For everything it is and isn’t, dating will always have an element of disappointment. The waiting game can turn some into feeling they have become the game, despite their bio being stamped with a ‘Fuck-boy Be Gone’ sticker. Gauging from personal experience, these fuckboys also can’t read ( I known, the good news keeps on coming ).

However, being a single person does enable you membership to the colourful tribe that we are. We are not only the most approachable group in the school-yard ( that is the bar ) but we are naturally more wide-eyed to the world, in all its happenings.

This visibility also means we see couples ( unfortunately ) and due to the past it can make us singles’ question, just how in style is being single? Depending on the answer it can lead to worry, need for reassurance in the form of the past ( never a good idea ) or  left feeling rushed and rather lonely. However one conversation or great date can also make us open our phones and reassess our swiping direction. Being single is about far more than being lonely or feeling the over the moon freedom. It’s about going through different patches with yourself.

You embark upon a solo adventure and the best part is you never end up tossing stuff away. All the trips and memorabilia stays with you. It may not keep you warm at night but it does make your room more homely.

Being your own partner also keeps your calendar beaming brighter than a Christmas tree! You strive for your own approval, you take more chances, you flirt less shamefully and in return you are rewarded with more drinks. It’s a win-win! You dress for yourself while being able to let go of who you thought you were. This personal-cleanse can also bring new experiences with your friends that weren’t possible before.

I guarantee, one moment spent with yourself is of more value than a thousand Valentine’s day cards and twenty surprise date nights.

But of course after this peak, you wonder what it would be like to try again. Only then do you quickly realise either way, being happy on your own or in a relationship is an important foundation in understanding yourself. 

So online dating is disheartening? Of course it is. It’s uncomfortable at times, exhausting and makes you wonder what the hell you did in a past life to score a front row seat in such a torture chamber. But you can’t complain about a lack of excitement if your not in the game to begin with.

Some people happen to find the next love close-by but the rest of us have to go out and treasure hunt.

Finding love is like finding the right fried-chicken shop. You won’t just dive for the first place you find. No way! We have standards and a need for a comfy stain-free chair.

Then, when you find that place, you stand in the cold line outside and learn the art of patience and the ferocity that comes from spamming your bestie and ranting about how hungry you are for right person/chicken to appear. A.k.a. that spicy fried chicken from KFC.

Due to the wonderful thing that is delayed-gratification you will arrive inside the restaurant knowing exactly what you want and with what side of sauce. Spicy Aolie- duh!

And if that shop has run dry of your prize meat, then you will rightful go elsewhere in a huff. Or eat another regrettably with the silent promise of never going back for that second date/wing.

So if outside that restaurant is where you and the rest of humanity has to wait for the chicken, then how long you wait is up to you.

But I do hope that the right someone will find you in that line; sharing a similar expression of mutual exhaustion and surprise that makes you forget all about that chicken, and instead find something less expensive to tickle your taste buds with.